When Paula recently guest blogged at my blog I asked her to blog about the subject on becoming the older woman. Recently both of us have been exposed to this.
My dear Puma who I often mention in my blog, he is one of my great loves. We parted not so long ago and after much confusion we remain very very good friends. Then of course on my birthday, that being my 28th birthday. I decide to celebrate with him after a long separation. My dear Puma then manages to do the graceful act on my birthday of saying the following in the most matter of fact tone, the way you would say oh, I bought some new shoes. He says
Oh, I just started seeing someone on a steady level, she is great.
That’s when the first bomb dropped in my head, second bomb was when the matter of fact talk continued with
she is Dutch, tall, a model (of course) and 21 years old.
TWENTYONE?? Puma is 31 by the way. Here I am fearing getting older, needing some boost and then having one of my biggest love telling me I have been replaced by a 21 year old. Happy fucking birthday.
Ah well, there is always a first thing for everything, that was the first time I experienced becoming the older woman.
Suddenly at that moment so many things started to make sense to me, I understood what it was that I once did myself back when I was 21.
Actually I was 19 when I met my then 30-year-old boyfriend, we were together for 3 years. It was so hard for me because his friends, the girls, the ex had looks that would have killed me on the spot. I didn’t understand why they hated me so much. I am kind, fun and I cared for Shorty, my ex. I was in the mentality that age is nothing but a number. That’s what I was thinking at 20. I was making them feel old and I had no idea what I did to their self-esteem before it happened to me.
At 28 I realized something she will too one day, it’s not her. It’s her age. I envy it, I know these young women are smart and bright as hell. It is a female insecurity that is sad but true all us women have. We feel like it´s a race for us out there when it comes to men and work. I don´t find many men I like around my age and when I do I would like to keep them in my life and not having them running to 21 year olds, they can stick to their own age group. Listen to me being a hypocrite since I used to run after the older boys. Hehehe..thats how you grow.
It started two years ago when my friends suddenly started to hit on younger and younger girls, we were suddenly boring. The worst part is, I am still hated for still being 28 by older women who give me looks when their husbands glance at me when I walk past. It will never end this vicious cycle of women wanting to keep their youth forever. Trust me, TRUST ME, I never felt like this before, this whole age thing. Then one day BHAM it hit and I realized that I was a woman now, not a little girl anymore.
I talked to Puma about this and how it made me feel, that it was a little hit on my self-esteem. He was so understanding and he said to me
¨Michele, the difference is you know how it is like to be in both places, these young girls only know the age their and you have passed that already, they have years before they become 28. Therefore they cannot appreciate it the way you do. You know yourself by now. They still have so much to learn about many things on who they want to be. You are at the stage where you have passed all the stages and concluding it all together so you can bring it to the next decade of your life. ¨
Maybe Puma didn’t replace me with a younger version after all, not so dumb that boy, he said I was irreplaceable. I am ok with the Deutch, I am very happy for him and I know she will never replace my shoes, she will fill his life with something else that is meaningful. I mean of course I naturally get a tad bit arrrggh but that is only normal of any woman, girl to feel.
For so long I wondered what my 20s would be about, I had this yearning to find myself.
I spent year’s with major ups and downs, making wrong choices, making right choices and making some very drastic choices, because it is during your 20 somethings you should make all the drastic choices.
I look at my book shelf and see all these self help sort of books and these guidance books I bought this past decade in order to try and help to find myself.
I finally understand it was not just about finding myself, it was also about me becoming a woman and defining what kind of woman I want to be.
I was in such a rush thinking I knew it all at 21, 24, 26 and now 28…I know when I’m 40 I will look back and laugh even more on what I thought I knew.
Now at 28, I have had a very looooong dark deep depression and some time to re focus.
After 10 years trying to figure out who I am. I finally found my own foundation and beliefs for what I stand for.
To put it in a metaphor I feel like my early twenties was like clay on a ceramic spinning board with my hands molding the clay to become something, only I was never satisfied with the shape and kept starting over and over and it got all messy.
Then I got a roll of it and started to build up my clay to a long mold and it took great shape, then it all fell apart. When the mess was all over the place I took a break, cleaned up my mess, focused, relaxed and started shaping the bowl of who I want to be in this life and what I want to fill the bowl with.
I am not even nearly done, there are many stages left, but I have built my foundation.
No longer do I fear age, becoming 30..I don’t think about it, because today being 28, living the way I do, doing what I do, I love every second of it but it took my years as a 20 something thinking I knew it all to know that in fact I know nothing at all. That to experience life as it is, welcome all obstacles because you survive no matter what and I promise there is so much more good awaiting in the future, so don´t rush growing up because trust me you will grow up before you know it.