Thursday, 27 March 2008

LOOKING DOWN ON EVERYTHING

At half one in the morning today, I was sitting on the balcony of an 11th floor flat, looking out at the world. Glasgow, like most places, is prettier at night. But I barely noticed that. I was thinking about the fact that seven or so months ago, I was sitting on that same balcony, in the early hours of the morning, when I should have been sleeping on the couch, drunk, wondering what had went wrong. And just over half a year later I had come full circle. Mourning that relationship all over again.

As I sat there, in the dark, watching the odd car pass by, I contemplated falling.

Not jumping. I'm not a suicide type of chick. Death scares me too much.

But for the last six weeks or so, I've felt like I've been in some sort of a freefall, and not a good kind. I feel like I've fallen eleven floors, hit the ground, broken my bones, and continued to fall. To where? I don't have a fucking clue. All I know is my plunge downwards is ongoing. I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with everyday life. I'm counting the moments virtually until I go away on holiday, until I can escape my everyday life, such as it is, for a mere week. Once I come back, things will probably feel even worse. Post-holiday-comedown, they always do. But at the moment, I have that to look forward to and it's the one thing that keeps me going.


So anyway, I was sitting on the 11th floor looking down, despite my fear of being in tall buildings. As a kid, my grandparents used to live on the 19th floor. They had a verandah and I LOVED it. I loved to throw paper aeroplanes off it. Now I think if I was that high up I'd be whimpering and holding onto the railings for dear life. The idea of falling terrifies me. But I'm already on the ground, feeling broken. Impact has already taken place. Who knows where I'm going to end up. Or whether I'll ever be fixed.

At the moment, I'm not particularly hopeful. . .

12 comments:

  1. stranger friend...keep going. one day at a time. i promise, things will get better. everyday you are further away from the relationship is a celebration. you deserve better. take deep breathes. focus on the light at the end of the tunnel...even the tiny sliver of it. just keep going. it will get bigger and bigger. believe me, i've been where you have. and i was sick of people telling me time will help. but it does. i promise. it does.

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  2. You've had an epic amount of shit dumped on you lately, darling. It is no wonder you are feeling a bit like collapsing. But you need to remember that feeling down is 100% justified right now-- just let yourself be down, and don't worry about it. I swear I get more worked up about not wanting to be sad than being sad itself. You will get through this, and once you do, you know you can get through anything.

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  3. P, this post really touched me, you write it so well.
    Dont give up my dear, the falling down the spiral case is hard.
    Remember how lost and depressed I was in NOv and dec? I was in a dark dark place where all was lost, with time it does get better.

    and over to another matter
    kokology, you will love it. according to wiki
    Kokology is the study of kokoro which in Japanese means "mind" or "spirit".
    The books present a series of psychological games and hypotheticals that are designed to reveal one's hidden attitudes about sex, family, love, work, and other elements of one's life. It is essentially a game of self-discovery that can provide interesting, and often hilarious insight by answering questions to seemingly innocent topics.

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  4. don't give up. if it's any consolation, we've all been there. Know that it WILL get better.

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  5. Girl, I've totally been there....but if the impact has already occurred then the worst is over and its only healing from here on out!!!

    Some boys just suck b/c you think they care when in fact they don't. Really they just want the easy way out and wont leave until there is another person to take your place.

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  6. If you are already on the ground the next step is up.
    Hang on in there.
    xx

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  7. When you hit bottom it's a dull pain that is indesribable. But when you find yourself slowly building yourself back up you'll find the foundation is that much stronger. You WILL get through this!

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  8. I want to give you a big hug! Chin up though- if you can get through this then you can get through anything!

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  9. You are making progress. You may be mourning him again, but you at least know what a shit head he truly is this time.

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  10. You said that all very well, but I think right now, the only think you can do is go up. You've hit the bottom and now it is time to stand up and take on the world, with a new outlook! Go Girl, we only live here once.

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  11. I hope you're feeling alright; it's all a lot to handle. You have a lot of people cheering for you, though!

    I met some guys from Glasgow recently; they made it sound like a fun city.

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  12. Keep your chin up, girl. We all go through horrible things. Recently one of my friends fell off a cliff and is in a coma and the other broke both of her feet in a car crash... So... We understand. You just gotta keep on pushing at the very least.

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