Friday, 14 March 2008


I can act happy as anything in public but the second I'm alone, I fall apart.

I loved drama as a kid, and even took Higher Drama in my last year of high school (I got a B, which isn't too bad I suppose) but I was never BRILLIANT at it. I would have LOVED to have been an actress, I really would have. The very idea of seeing my name in lights or rolling down a tv or cinema screen thrilled me to the very core, and still does. But I'm nowhere NEAR good enough, and I'm honest enough with myself to know this.

Right now I feel like I'm acting my most challenging role, and that I'm actually doing surprisingly well at portaying the role of a happy, unbothered girl with no hassles and no heartbreak.

But acting your heart out can have its costs. Think of all the actors who threw themselves so far into a role that they ended up sick, or losing too much weight, or just depressed as a result of all the pressure they were putting on themselves. That's how I feel right now. (Not losing too much weight, unfortunately. But the other things.) I hoped by pretending to be happy, I would fool myself into actually believing I WAS happy, and that the happiness would inevitably follow. Instead I appear to be feeling more and more miserable - whenever I am alone, the mask slips and the tears run free.

I hate to think what I'll be like at the funeral tomorrow, especially when I see my poor Granda (who is apparently being so strong right now). I'm hoping to rein in the tears but I'm a notorious crybaby and tears come way too easily. And I loathe crying in public, although I do it often.

I just hope nothing else goes wrong because I seriously don't think I can handle any other problems at the moment. It's all just too much to take right now. Everything is piling on top of me and the weight of it is distracting me from everything else.


  1. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. My grandad died last year and it was so hard to see my nana on her own. She was strong but I sobbed my way through the entire funeral. There's no shame in letting it all out though. xxx

  2. Don't feel the need to stay strong for others, FEEL for yourself. Cry, sob, be miserable. You need to be able to release the emotions in order to move forward. We'll be here for you.

  3. I was wondering what happened to you, I guess since you went invite only you weren't showing up on my google reader, I was sooo sad!

    I will give you some blogger love soon! I'm going to catch up on your post!

  4. I agree with Meghan, trying to keep things in will result in an inevitable explosion. It's got to come out somehow.

  5. SO, I am finally caught up on your blog.

    These are the hardest days, and you are going to be so sick of people telling you, It will get better, I'm sorry for your lost...blah blah. I was sick of hearing that. At the end of the day, it just helps to cry. Spend time with your family because they are the ones who are going to "get you" right now. I hope the smile appears again soon!

  6. They say things happen in threes.
    I think the first was your unwanted blog exposure and the chaos that ensued, the second was the breakup, and this is the third.
    Hopefully things will start to perk up for you a little bit, and soon.


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